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I am often asked the question ” so how do arranged marriages work”?

I don’t always know what exactly the question is meant to imply. Is the question about how marriages work?

How would a marriage in the western world work? Why would it be a thing to ask how does an arranged marriage work? It often makes me want to answer-”just like all marriages work. One has to work at it”.

Plus some luck is involved. And love, of course.

But I understand, that sometimes, the real meaning of that question is based on an assumption that arranged marriages are ‘forced’ or decided unilaterally by the parents etc. The question”how do arranged marriages” work, typically express some judgement about a practice that seems antithesis to their idea of ‘freedom’. It also expresses some level of confusion or ignorance about what an arranged marriage really is.

In order to explain that, I would discuss someone trying to buy a house. Doesn’t the person research the neighborhood, the schools in the area, the potential neighbors, commute to work etc? Wouldn’t one research online, ask friend or family about it and get some opinions before making their decision?

How about career choices? There are often guidance counselors who would give out suggestions based on a student’s past academic performance, aptitude and interests. High school courses are often decided based on consultations with guidance counselors and parents.

So, when it comes to making a serious decision of marriage, where one chooses a life partner, it seems only logical to ask one’s parent and others close to us, for advice on the topic.

In a typical scenario for an arranged marriage, a marriage broker collects information about a potential bride or a groom. He/she also collects pictures of the girl or boy. Then a couple of suitable matches are found, based on the interests and backgrounds, as described in the ‘marriage biodata’. Often, the desired qualities in a partner are also included in the ‘biodata’ and used for the matching. This is very similar to online dating. Only, this practice existed before the internet era. The marriage broker, brings the photos and biodatas of potential matches to the boy/girl’s family. The family of the potential bride/groom goes through the photos and biodata and screens these for a smaller pool. Meetings are arranged with some of these prospective alliances, where the whole family comes to visit. Usually, the potential groom’s family visits the house of the potential bride.

The girl and boy are often allowed to sit somewhere separately, like on a terrace and talk privately. This would be comparable to a ‘date’, except that the family and parents are often in another room nearby!

Nowadays, the matching is done online through portals such as ‘Shaadi.com’ and other online matchmaking sites.

Once, again, these are similar to dating apps, with the difference that the general primary purpose of these sites is to find someone to marry rather than just date.

A lot of the ‘meetings’ with the potential alliances don’t always pan out. Once the families and the boy and girl meet, they take their time to respond with their decision. Often times, the girl may reject the boy or the boy may reject the girl. The meeting of the families, ensures that there would be parental and family support for the couple in the future, if they choose to go forward with the alliance.

Generally, the final decision is usually that of the boy or the girl. It may even take upto 2 years to actually find a match that works out. So, this is similar to online dating. The difference is that the families do an extensive background check on the family and neighborhood of the potential life-partner for their son/daughter. This ensures that at least there would be some element of security about the family and personal background of the potential bride/groom.

Also, this creates a sense of accountability at the ends of the families involved. If the boy turns out to be mean to the future wife, the parents of the girl can ask for accountability with the parents of the boy, who may in turn, intervene to help the girl out, should such a situation arise.

The potential couple also generally receives assistance with childcare when a baby is born.

Forced marriages are another matter. Arranged marriages involve the consent of the boy and girl involved which may not be the case with a forced marriage.

All this comes down to the relationship between the boy/girl and his/her parents. If there is good, clear and healthy communication between the parents and the child, the feelings wants and interests of the child will be paramount in this process. It is helpful to have some guidance and advise from one’s parents, who generally know their son/daughter and look out for their well-being.

When it doesn’t work well, is when there is not good communication between the parents and their children. A lot of love-marriages may not work due to lack of family support. Some do not work because there was not enough background check done on a person with whom one may ‘fall in love’.

Anyone who has tried to find a partner by going through the ‘dating world’ may understand, that is is not easy to find someone compatible or ‘fall in love’ with the right guy/girl. There are mistakes, heartbreaks and wrong choices involved. Some people are lucky and find their mate at the first try. Luck has a big role to play in finding the right partner, be it through dating or arranged marriages.

In the western world, one tries to figure out the true nature of a potential partner by dating them and getting to know them over time. Some live-in, for what could even be years, before they make their decision to marry. There could be a lot of vulnerability involved. Or the potential partners do not get too vulnerable until they have gained trust in the other person over the years. If kids are involved in this process, that could cause complications.

With an arranged marriage, there is a commitment to trust the process and trust that the person chosen is the right guy and commit to the marriage. The commitment and vulnerability is akin to stepping in with both feet in the water. This may create a dedication to make the marriage work. Perhaps that could explain why arranged marriages are generally quite successful. However, there is no judgement against someone who may want to test the waters before slowly committing for a life-time. Trust is something that is integral to a healthy marriage and sometimes, it may just take more time.

Sometimes people state that mine is not an arranged marriage. My husband and I don’t totally agree. We met through some synchronous events and incredible co-incidences that make us believe that this marriage was arranged by the divine.

All in all, I believe, that marriages are made in heaven and strengthened by commitment fueled by love.

I hope this article answers a few questions about arranged marriages and the way in which alliances are fixed.

How arranged marriages actually work? Well, I think that is still based on the dedication, commitment, communication and love between the partners.

Namasthe!

Photo credits:

Photo by AMISH THAKKAR on Unsplash

Disclaimer: these are only my personal opinions and are just aimed towards sharing. No offence or hurt feelings are intended.

Yes. That is a loaded topic. I have lived in the US for many years and this topic still baffles me. When I go online, there are several posts about Indians being poor tippers. I can’t speak for others but I have certainly had struggles with tipping.

And no. It is definitely not because I am a miser. Well, I do value the money I earn and the things I have. I was not very materialistic growing up. But we certainly learned to value everything we got and be grateful for them.

One trait we were taught to cultivate was to never waste things, especially food or water. There is usually always someone who can take leftover food or use my old clothes.

Moving to the USA, with 500 dollars (which amounted to almost 1 lakh rupees back in the day, it became quickly apparent, that the rupee went a lot farther in India, than in the US. So, I understand students and others who bring money from India, hesitating to spend much on tips.

But that is not my reason to hesitate from tipping. I do know the value that a dollar holds in other countries. I do value the money and material. But I would gladly and unhesitatingly give money for a charity. I have always given to charity, even during days were I earned only 5000 rupees a month and lived in a dorm.

The reason is that in India, one is given a clear price to pay. It is up front. One is not expected to give subjective ‘tips’. One definitely does not pay to have someone smile at me during a meal.

Since I live in the US, I have had to accept the tipping culture to some degree. But honestly, if one goes to a restaurant in India, the servers actually serve the food onto the plates. They would watch and offer to serve you as you empty your plate. No tips expected. Here in the US, a server takes orders, brings things and that is it. I recently had a waitress put pancakes and hashbrowns and eggs all on one plate. I don’t get water unless I ask for it. The ‘service’ that I am expected to offer gratuitously, is for some very basic tasks. Labor is not hard to find in India. There are people offering a lot of service and hospitality. There is an upfront price. It just feels morally and ethically wrong to pay someone something extra for their basic job. I am only making a comparison so that someone who is interested, can understand the cultural differences.

In South India one is offered a tip if a hotel worker carried one’s bags upto the room. That is an ‘extra’ service’. So it deserves a tip. If a server goes above and beyond with something, a few rupees may be left on the table as appreciation. But in no way is one expected to pay the wage for the server.

I get it. This is America. So I do tip. But it is not because of stinginess, but the moral aspect of it, being expected something that is not upfront. Or fearing ‘poor service’ (how much lower can ‘service’ really get?)

Recently I received the option at check out to tip for a bottle of water that I picked up at an airport stall. What am I supposed to be tipping the staff for? In India, the grocery store guys pick out stuff, offers and describes the choice of products and helps with purchases as a free service. They also bag groceries in supermarkets and carry them to the car as service and do not expect tips.

A lot of Indian households have maids. There are a lot of people willing to offer a lot of labor-intensive work.

When the same level or lower quality of service is offered and expected to tip, it is hard for someone of Indian descent to understand.

This is not to justify not paying tips due to comparison. Like they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.

I am just writing this post to explain some cultural differences that make people like me hesitate. And I only mean this from my personal experience and opinion.

Most hair and beauty salons in South India where I am from, are owned by women. They set the prices for their services. At the most, they might employ one or two people. The prices are set by them and they are expected to get all the pay that they receive from the services they offered. Once again, there are beauty parlors at almost every street corner. It is very competitive. The service one gets is incredible. I had a pedicure and they removed all corns and literally healed my feet. In America, I paid for a pedicure. They basically just applied lotion and expected to be tipped! I get it, when one pays for a service in America, the actual person doing the job does not get much of it due to corporate culture.

This is also something very hard for someone who grew up in India to understand.

My spouse sponsored a 70 dollar massage for me several years ago at one of the popular corporate massage chains. I got a very basic simple low pressure massage and was expected to pay a tip as well.

I have paid about a 1000 rupees in India for an ayurvedic massage and the service included deep pressure massages with aromatic herbal oils, usually done by two people, steam bath and later hair drying to get me ready to step out into the world. The prices for those massages don’t seem to have increased so much over the years and the service has not gone down much either.

So, expect my chagrin when I am expected to tip after a much lower quality service when the actual price is so high to begin with. Same story with haircuts, facials etc etc.

This may just be my opinion. But to pay exorbitant amounts of money for poorly rendered service (which is certainly subjective) and then be expected to pay extra for no reason, feels like cheating.

It just feels morally wrong that I should be expected to pay a subjective hidden extra price. It does sound like ‘high end begging’ for someone to take up a job that pays 2-3 dollars an hour and expect customers to feel sorry and throw money their way for just taking orders and bringing the food.

I am pretty sure the cooking of the food is a greater skill and requires being in a hot kitchen. How come the waiter is the one to collect the ‘extras’ instead?

The tipping culture feels like bribery or corruption. It is socially accepted, but certainly still feels like bribery. So, if I am a regular at a restaurant, the servers may avoid me or not serve me properly if I don’t tip well? Is that even legal or professional? How does that reflect on the integrity of the waiting staff?

So, if I tip heavily, I would be welcomed with smiles and given ‘service’ as in getting my food correctly? So, I am expected to bribe for service?

Teachers are also a paid lowly. How many of us would be happy about teachers getting tips? So, a student from a rich family could ‘bribe’ for better services than a student from a ‘poor’ family?. Would one accept this due to the low pay of teachers?

Teaching or feeding people is an act of great virtue. Some thing that did get instilled in me, is to perform acts of service with integrity. One does need to get paid for services. But connecting one’s level of ‘service’ to individual pay is morally low in my opinion.

Yes, one must do in Rome as Romans do. So, yes. I do tip. But I do cringe every time. I would much rather give alms to a beggar outside the restaurant than throw money at a person for social bribery.

It feels disrespectful to be insulting a grown and able person to give them free money just for doing their jobs.

If the job does not pay them well, wouldn’t a retail store offering a much higher set pay be a better option?

Herein comes the secret. Tips, especially, as cash, do not always get reflected in the wages of the workers for taxation purposes. People choose serving jobs because they know they can decent money and not claim full taxes on them. Some waiting staff at certain restaurants can make a lot of money. It is a gamble of course. Sometimes, they can make a lot on tips and sometimes they don’t.

Coming, also from a culture that strongly spoke against gambling; enabling or supporting gambling in any way does not make me feel good about tipping either.

In my opinion, it is disrespectful for an able individual to accept a position with such low wages that they should have money thrown at them at a customer’s whim. If it really is for service, it must be a set amount clearly stated for each waiter or waitress. It should not be based on the whims and fancies of the customer, who may just happen to be in a good mood that day. Or the waitress just uses charm or friendliness to manipulate people into feeling like giving more money. Fake smiles, fake friendliness and fake concern for a couple of extra dollars. That feels like a bad thing to support or enable.

It makes me wonder why a self respecting individual would want to work like that, when they can earn money in a more straightforward way?

Coming from a place where people toil for money, to feel the expectation, demand and judgement for give extra money away for just doing the job expected, as ‘tips’, seems hard to digest.

But, again, when in Rome, I do as Romans do.

I pay a standard tip no matter what the ‘service’ is. I cringe every time though.

It feels disrespectful to me and to them. That is a moral and ethical standpoint, which is not likely to change just because I do as the Romans do.

For those who ask to assimilate, would you have an arranged marriage if you go to India (not that there is anything wrong with it. It is a practice that confuses people foreign to the culture)? Or give Dowry (this one is actually illegal)?

Would you give up your moral and ethical values just because you move to another place?

My moral and ethical stance on tipping stays intact. The only thing I would strongly refute is the notion that as a person of Indian origin, that I am a miser for not wanting to tip.

I dislike tipping not because I am ‘cheap’ or a ‘miser’. It is because it feels degrading to me and leaves me feeling poorly. It is definitely not the same as helping a needy person, donating to charity or giving alms to someone begging openly.

The manipulative deceptive ‘bribe/beg’ action feels like a spiritually wrong thing to do. Period. And yes. I would not mind if the food prices went up to accommodate for a higher basic wage for a server so that I can know and pay a set price upfront and expect a server to do their job honestly.

I understand that people have strong opinions about this topic. This is just my opinion based on my experiences. I do tip, but it is not ‘gratuitous’, just a necessity to live and let live and get along in the society.

(and I don’t want a sneezed on cup of coffee!!)

Photo credits:

Photo by Alexander Mils on Unsplash

Disclaimer: these are only my personal opinions and are just aimed towards sharing. No offence or hurt feelings are intended.

I was unprepared for the numerous surprising topics I would be excited and exasperated by being part of a unique intercontinental marriage: a Tamil Iyer from South India married to an Irish American.  Some of these hot topics have included: whether there are buffalos in India, the size of Hollywood versus Bollywood and innumerable minor and major cultural differences.  We didn’t realize we had so many differences before marriage and we even naively assumed we spoke the same English!   

Despite watching so many movies from both the East and the West, we were not prepared for the transport differences between India and America. I currently obsess over the car seat for our 2 year old and traffic safety:  repeatedly reminding my husband, to ‘slow down’, ‘watch for that car’, ‘wait for the green arrow to turn left’ on the highways of the United States.  He was not amused when I was sitting back relaxed in an auto expertly navigating the streets of Hyderabad, as he sat on the edge of his seat. Funnily enough, he attempted to wear the seat belt in the car on our trip from Rameswaram to Kanyakumari and the car driver turned around and told my husband with a nod and a wave of his hand, “Seat belt not required, don’t worry!”

On the village roads of Kerala, the town buses zoomed past, driving fast and our car narrowly avoided many cycles, buses and people.  I kept chatting away calmly, not even flinching, not realizing the adrenaline-pumping scary ride experience that my husband was having! This is in stark contrast to his calmness on big US highways and my panic attacks on the unidirectional American roads.

I remember finding the closest gas station to pull over after panicking on my drive into Atlanta as the highway exit turned into a multi-lane road: the lights of the tall buildings amplified the dizzying effect and increased my anxiety. On another occasion, I was stuck on the so-called flat top mountain in Asheville after following the GPS incorrectly. I can still picture the steep slopes of the hill, on a dark night and hearing a random waterfall nearby: a scary enough an experience to become permanent part of my adventure travels. I definitely did not make it to the flat top on that slope, and miraculously managed to turn around to drive down the hill.  It is no surprise I don’t dare drive to Asheville alone again!

Before having a GPS, I had frantically called my husband, miles away from the house at 9pm, telling him not only that I was lost, but asking him, “Where am I?”  It is amazing how one can be confident with what one is familiar with. As I chatted away with the auto-driver in India, my American husband experienced a roller-coaster ride. It is the opposite with the highways in the US for me. Point to note though, that in our three weeks in India, we encountered not one road accident; but usually encounter at least a couple a week on the way to work during rush hour here in the US. Needless to say, our travel travails don’t end with cars and traffic either.

With great excitement, I had boarded my first train from Columbia, South Carolina. I could not wait to experience a train ride, American style. I guess I expected there would be several stops for coffee and snacks. Did I really expect vendors yelling “idli-sambar, mendhu-vada?” Consciously not, but I imagined something similar in the western style. Despite the repeated visits to the train kitchen, the long ride with little vegetarian food to eat, and not being able to lie down for the long journey left me exhausted and longing for Indian train rides again. On our India trip, I could not wait for our first train ride together.  However, the experience humbled my self-view as the Indian train expert. I somehow mistook the numbering of the coaches and confidently had us get on the opposite end of the train to reach our berth at the other end. If anyone knows what it is like, to walk through a crowded train in motion, from one end to the other, holding two suitcases, it is a feat no less intense than a major workout at the gym! This is when my American husband had to fully become a Tollywood hero to lug this heavy load to our berth in the AC car!

With all the complaints of having to drive on scary highways or wistful reminders of the wonderful Indian train journeys, I remind myself of the irony of it all. Growing up wishing to have my own gaadi to go anywhere anytime without waiting for buses, I find it ironical to complain about having to drive. While Shah Rukh seemed quite content singing ‘Ye Dil, Dil, Deewaana’ in the movie ‘Pardes’, I never imagined panicking to drive across the beautiful Ravenell bridge in Charleston, SC.

I remember a time early in my driving days when I called my husband frantic that the gas station credit card machine was unable to read my card.  I was out of gas. He had to wake up early on a Saturday morning to find me stranded at a gas station. Once he paid with his card, I took out a 20 dollar bill and asked him if we need to buy milk! I had not known that one could pay for gas using cash. Of course, it can only be a guess how my request for some petrol for the car would have gone.  At times, our experiences have definitely been a case of ‘I Love Lucy’, desi style!

Amidst the irony of finding myself complaining about things I had wanted and comparing with what I used to have, I am reminded about one Indian phrase :’’Chalta Hain’’. Maybe I could ‘Take it easy Urvashi’ like Prabhu Deva dancing atop buses, when someone cuts me off on the road or an aggressive truck is tail-gating my car. ‘Taking it easy’ and an unconditional acceptance of everything just as it is, something I learned growing up in India, can assist me in navigating life in the Carolina lanes.

Maybe a recording of the Indian traffic sounds and the orchestra of ‘beep beeps’, would finally let me relax when my husband is driving the car.  The fact is that safe car practices are important anywhere, and although travels and transport systems may vary, an accepting attitude has a place wherever one is on the journey of life.  So, let’s take the time to enjoy what we have: all the beeps, autos, cars, trains and traffic travails in slow lanes or fast.